Comparative Devaluation

Signs it might be this

• The comparison arrives when you have asked for something or raised a concern.
• The comparison figure changes but you always end up on the losing side.
• The praise for the other person is delivered in front of you.
• Your own improvements are not counted and the target moves.
• The comparison names a person rather than a behavior, so there is nothing specific to work on.

Signs it is probably something else

• They describe the other person’s action in a way you could copy and are glad when you do.
• The comparison is occasional and the same standards are applied to them.
• They also compare themselves unfavorably and are open about it.
• Your progress gets acknowledged when it happens.
• You asked for a model and they offered one.
• The comparison points to a specific action you could actually take.
• When you say it hurts, the comparisons stop.

Questions to ask yourself

• Could I do what they want if the other person were taken out of the sentence?
• Is there any version of this where I would end up ahead?
• Do I hear the comparison most when I have just raised a concern?
• Does the comparison hurt the other person’s standing in my eyes, or mine in theirs?
• Would they say the same thing in front of that other person?

What it is

Comparative devaluation is measuring someone against a third person. That might be a sibling, an ex, a coworker or a stranger online.

The result is always that they fall short. A single comparison can be a clumsy way of saying what someone wants.

The pattern is when comparing is the main way of voicing a need. The people used keep changing.

Nothing you do ever puts you ahead.

Why it matters

A comparison with no finish line cannot be won, because there is always another person who seems better. It can wear down confidence and also harm your relationships with the people you are being compared to.

How it shows up

• Naming a specific other person as the standard you fail to meet, such as a sister, a former partner or a colleague.
• Swapping comparison figures freely, so you cannot catch up with any one benchmark.
• Sometimes done through compliments to the other person, praised loudly in front of you.
• A roundabout way to ask for something, where saying ‘I’d like more help with the dishes’ is replaced by a ranking.
• Seen between partners, parents and children, in schools and at work. More recently, strangers’ social media lives are used as the benchmark.

What you can do

Pick what fits. You do not owe anyone a confrontation.

Words you could use

“You’d like more from me, and I want to know what that is. When you put me next to someone else I can’t act on it. Tell me one thing you’d like different and I’ll think honestly about whether I can do it.”

Ask about it gently

Ask for the need itself: ‘I can’t do anything with a comparison to your sister. What would you like me to do differently?’

Set a clear limit

Set one rule: ‘I’m not comfortable being compared to other people. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you if I can do it.’

Step back

Decline to defend yourself against the named person. Skip the debate about whether the other person is better and leave the topic.

Get support

Ask someone who knows you both what they see. Often they can tell you the comparison does not hold up or that the benchmark person is struggling too.

At work, school or with services

At work, ask for goals measured against written criteria or your own earlier results, not against a named colleague. Keep copies of the feedback you receive.

Using this label fairly

• Hearing any mention of another person as an attack can close off honest examples. The tactic is a repeated, unwinnable ranking. It is not every reference to someone else.
• Using the label to claim the other person is comparing you out of malice goes past what you can know from these remarks.

How it differs from look-alikes

Contempt expresses disgust at who you are and needs no benchmark. Comparative devaluation needs a named third person to measure you against.

Shame Installation announces that something is wrong with you as a person, while comparison only says someone else is better. Name-Calling Disguised as Humor wraps the insult in a joke, but comparison can be said seriously and calmly.