Put-downs that wear you down
Insults, contempt and slow erosion of how you see yourself. 27 tactics on this line, in the order the guide walks them.
Open this line in the guideEvery tactic on this line, with look-alikes on other lines.W 01Shame InstallationTreating a person’s mistake as proof that something is wrong with them as a whole, so shame replaces guilt.W 02Comparative DevaluationHolding a person up against someone else, again and again, in a way that always leaves them coming up short.W 03NeggingSlipping in a subtle insult, wrapped as a compliment or a joke. You end up feeling a little smaller and a little more eager for approval.W 04Sarcasm as WeaponMocking someone to deliver real criticism or contempt, so that any objection can be brushed off with “it was a joke.”W 05ContemptTreating someone with open disgust or superiority. It is aimed at who they are, not at anything they did.W 06Dr. Jekyll/Mr. HydeShowing one warm, admired face to the world and another harsh one to a particular person. Nobody else sees how that person is treated.W 07Ambient AbuseA steady climate of tension, criticism and unpredictability. No single moment looks serious, but the whole leaves a person worn down.W 08Emotional InvalidationTelling someone that what they feel is wrong, silly or not allowed, instead of accepting that they feel it.W 09BaitingProvoking someone into an angry or upset reaction, then pointing to that reaction as the real problem.W 10DehumanizationDehumanization reduces a person to a label, a number or a problem, so decisions about them leave no room for their point of view.W 11Shame-as-Governance Disguised as AdviceCriticism of a person’s character, offered as helpful advice, that leaves them feeling smaller and makes objecting sound ungrateful.W 12The “Good Woman Program”Unspoken rules reward women for going along and giving things up, and make them pay for being direct, setting boundaries or taking up space.W 13Conditional WorthTreating a person’s value as something that rises and falls with their usefulness and their willingness to comply.W 14Internalized ConditioningFollowing rules and reactions that once came from another person. Now they are enforced from inside your own head, even when that person…W 15Pre-PunishmentYou hold yourself back before anyone else can, by not applying, speaking or trying, because past experience taught you that being seen…W 16Silence InstallationA learned inability to speak about specific things. Naming them brings dread, because raising them has repeatedly cost more than staying…W 17FawningResponding to a threatening person by pleasing them, agreeing and shrinking yourself, as an automatic way to stay safe.W 18Identity ErosionInside a relationship, your tastes, opinions, limits and friendships slowly fade, until the person you used to be is hard to find.W 19Learned HelplessnessRepeatedly telling someone they could not cope alone, until they start to believe it and stop trying.W 20ParentificationA child or partner is put in the permanent role of caring for an adult’s feelings, practical needs and crises, at the cost of their own…W 21Self-Gaslighting InductionThe habit of doubting your own memory and perception on reflex, long after anyone else has needed to challenge it.W 22Approval Addiction CultivationComing to depend on one person’s approval, often built through warmth that comes and goes unpredictably. In the end their reaction counts…W 23ObjectificationTreating a person as a tool, a body or a source of output, so that only what they supply seems to count about them.W 24Toxic Positivity / Weaponized OptimismToxic positivity insists on cheer in answer to real pain or a real complaint, so the feeling becomes the problem and its cause goes…W 25Name-Calling Disguised as HumorPutting an insult or demeaning label inside a joke, so that if you object, you can be accused of overreacting.W 26Public HumiliationSomeone embarrasses or puts down a person in front of others, or puts private matters on show, so the audience adds to the sting.W 27Trash-Can DiagnosisUsing a mental-health label about someone as an insult, a verdict, or a way to treat their limits and reactions as symptoms.