Stalking & Surveillance (Post-Separation)

Signs it might be this

• They know details you never told them, and your mutual friends deny passing them on.
• They appear at your home, work, gym or a child’s school with no logistical reason.
• Contact continues after you asked for it to stop, shifting to new numbers, accounts or messengers.
• A device, account or location setting turns out to be shared or accessed without your say.
• The attention rises when something in your life changes, such as a move, a new job or a new relationship.

Signs it is probably something else

• Their contact stays inside shared logistics, such as exchange times and bills, and ends once those are settled.
• What they know came from something you posted openly or from a friend who passed it on openly.
• Run-ins happen in a place you both have an ordinary reason to be.
• They have respected the end of contact, and any request to stop, for months.
• A neutral technician checked your devices and accounts and found nothing unfamiliar.
• Contact is limited to scheduled exchanges and stops when each exchange is over.
• Time has reduced the contact rather than raised it.

Questions to ask yourself

• Does this person know things I never told them, and can I trace how?
• Does contact about shared children or property stay on those subjects?
• Has the attention grown since we separated, instead of fading?
• Do I know which devices and accounts are signed in to my life, and who shares them?
• Do I change where I go, or when, because I expect to be seen?
• Has anyone else noticed the car, the messages or the questions?

What it is

Stalking and surveillance overlap, but they are not the same. Stalking is repeated unwanted following, contact or appearing where you are.

Surveillance is the monitoring: location tracking, access to accounts, questions put to friends or relatives. Either can appear without the other.

Because shared custody and mutual friends make some contact normal, a single run-in or piece of news says almost nothing. What stands out is knowledge or presence that fits no channel you chose to open.

Why it matters

Separation is supposed to end the other person’s access. When it does not, ordinary life goes on under observation.

That includes where you live, who you see and what you do next, and nowhere feels fully private.

How it shows up

• Following or turning up. This means waiting outside a home or workplace, appearing at places you go regularly, or driving past.
• Digital watching. Examples are location sharing left on, or an unfamiliar app or tracker on a device. Another is shared cloud or family-plan logins that were never switched off.
• Indirect watching: questions to friends, coworkers, children or relatives about where you are and who you are with.
• Contact that goes on after it has been declined, including messages from new numbers or accounts.
• Knowledge of your plans or whereabouts that cannot be traced to anything you shared.
• Two behaviors that often travel together after a breakup, watching and approaching, though either can happen alone.

What you can do

Read the safety note at the top first. If speaking up could make things worse, skip the wording below and talk to someone you trust or a local support service.

Words you could use

“For the schedule and the bills, can we keep everything in writing in one place, like email or a co-parenting app? That way neither of us has to guess what was agreed.” Offer this through a lawyer, mediator or co-parenting app. Do it only after an advocate agrees.

Ask about it gently

Notice and note first. Write down what they knew, when, and how it could have reached them. Hold off on asking them how they know; an advocate can help you decide whether asking is safe.

Set a clear limit

Keep necessary contact to one written channel and to the shared subject only, answering what is asked and nothing more. This is a quiet limit that you do not need to announce.

Step back

Decide privately, with an advocate, how and when to change routines, numbers or devices. A sudden change can be noticed, so the order of steps is worth planning.

Get support

Call a domestic violence or stalking helpline and describe what you have noticed. Advocates can help you assess risk, plan, and decide what to document, without you having to decide anything on the call.

At work, school or with services

Let one trusted person at work, such as security or a manager, know that someone may come to the workplace uninvited. Give them a photo and the key facts. Keep a dated log of any visit or message there.

Using this label fairly

• Reading every run-in, friend’s remark or unanswered question as stalking can frighten you more than the facts support. Check how the information could have arrived before deciding.
• These words carry legal weight in many places. Using them against a co-parent who is only handling logistics can harm someone who has done nothing wrong.

How it differs from look-alikes

Ghosting as Control is absence, a silence that ends when you move on. Stalking is presence or awareness that continues after you ask it to stop.

Legal Abuse reaches you through courts and filings, which leave a paper record. This one reaches you through your movements and devices.

A Smear Campaign talks about you to others. Here the others are mostly being asked about you.