The “Good Woman Program”

Signs it might be this

• A direct no or a pointed question draws a label that others do not get for the same words. The label might be difficult, cold or bossy.
• You feel guilty before anyone has reacted.
• Being accommodating brings praise, and the praise stops when you stop.
• You rehearse how to phrase a plain request so that it sounds soft.
• Other women around you describe the same reaction to the same behavior.

Signs it is probably something else

• People of every gender who say no get the same reception.
• You say no and the response is about the request, not about you.
• Your habit of accommodating is something you enjoy, and stepping back is met with ordinary understanding.
• The penalty came from one person in one mood, and others reacted differently to the same action.
• The cost you fear turns out to be imagined when you test it in a small, low-stakes way.
• People of all genders are held to the same standard of directness and consideration.
• Your saying no is received with the same ease as anyone else’s.
• You can say no in small ways and nothing about your standing changes.

Questions to ask yourself

• If a man or another colleague said this in the same words, how would it land?
• Do I feel guilty before anyone has reacted?
• What actually happens when I say no, as opposed to what I expect to happen?
• Who benefits when I am accommodating, and who notices when I stop?
• Whose voice do I hear when I tell myself I’m being selfish?

What it is

This is less a tactic used by one person than a background set of expectations absorbed from family, school, media, work and faith. Women who accommodate are called kind or easy to work with.

Words that would pass without comment from someone else, such as a firm no, can draw labels like difficult or cold. One person’s reaction means little.

What matters is whether the price of the same behavior changes with who is doing it. It also matters whether you have taken the discomfort on as your own.

Why it matters

The same conduct costs you more than it costs others, so a proportionate no draws a penalty. Over time, discomfort with taking up space can feel like a personal trait when it is partly a response learned from that penalty.

How it shows up

• A rulebook you carry inside, usually absorbed more than taught, about how to speak, what to give up and how much to ask for.
• Enforced through small social costs, such as a cooler tone, a label, a joke or being left out, rather than formal rules.
• Seen in households, workplaces, friendships and communities, wherever the same request is judged differently depending on who makes it.
• Carried by people of any gender, including those who simply want to be kind.
• Shows up inside you as guilt for saying no or resting, before anyone says anything.

What you can do

Pick what fits. You do not owe anyone a confrontation.

Words you could use

“I’ve thought about it, and this month I can’t take that on. If it helps, I can suggest someone who might.”

Ask about it gently

When a label like ‘difficult’ comes up, ask a curious question. One example is ‘Would you call a colleague difficult for asking that?’ It lets the other person hear the double standard without an accusation.

Set a clear limit

Give your answer without padding or an apology and let the silence after it be. ‘No, I can’t take that on’ is a complete sentence.

Step back

For a trial week, step out of tasks that fall to you by default, such as organizing, soothing or remembering. See who notices and who steps in.

Get support

Talk with other women, or friends of any gender, about where each of you is penalized for the same behavior. Hearing it said aloud makes it easier to see a pattern rather than a flaw.

At work, school or with services

Ask what ‘collaborative’ or ‘team player’ means in reviews, and ask for examples. Then subjective labels can be checked against what others receive.

Using this label fairly

• Using the label for any woman who is polite or accommodating can disrespect her own choice to be generous.
• Pinning it on one person as if they are enforcing it misreads a background culture as one person’s plan.

How it differs from look-alikes

Shame-as-Governance Disguised as Advice is one person giving a particular lecture. This pattern is the background expectation that makes the lecture seem reasonable.

Overcorrection Demands asks for a big apology after a particular lapse. Here the price is attached to a whole class of behavior, such as saying no, asking or resting.

Objectification values a person for use. This program rewards a woman for how little she asks.